The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
Let’s face it, Christmas songs are never going to make your Top 5 Best Songs of All Time list, but some are worse than others. Interestingly, the worst Christmas songs are actually the best Christmas songs to use as you release your holiday anger at Time to Rage. Our resident rage experts have compiled the Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs for you.
5. Jackson 5: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
This classic song is disturbing no matter who is singing it. The thought of a child busting their mother cheating on their dad with the big man in red is enough to create a lifetime of confusion and the need for hours worth of therapy. When you add in the fact that this version is sung by a family that was infamously abused by their father, the bizarre factor increases tenfold. Then, top it off with the accusations of child abuse surrounding Michael Jackson, and you’ll have yourself wondering if Child Protective Services will be knocking on your door when they hear what you’re indoctoring you children with.
4. John Denver: “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”
What? For real? Yes, for real. This is a song and it’s unbearable. It’s hard to imagine a bunch of record execs sitting around a table listening to the pitch for this song with fine lyrics like: Just last year when I was only seven/Now I'm almost eight as you can see/You came home a quarter past eleven/And fell down underneath our Christmas tree, and all nodding their heads in unison “Great idea Mr. Denver, let’s cut the track.” But it happened. And it’s awful.
3. New Song: “Christmas Shoes”
If you’re not already suffering from seasonal depression, this song will surely push you over the edge. It is the saddest parts of the holidays and life all wrapped up with a blessed Christian rock bow. Poverty, chronic illness, the loss of a parent, and the longing for the end that only a narrative ballad can illicit.
2. All songs by Alvin and the Chipmunks but especially: “The Christmas Song”
There’s a reason Dave Seville is such a surly bastard in any version of Alvin and the Chipmunks, they’re obnoxious. To hear them droning on about Christmas time does not induce excitement and wonder the way the best Christmas songs do, instead it has you reaching for the nearest bottle of booze and a pair of earplugs. I implore you, Hurry Christmas/hurry fast because the sooner it gets here the sooner I can stop hearing this song.
1. Bruce Springsteen: “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”
This song crushes my soul and blackens my heart. I don’t know if it’s Springsteen’s typical monotone moaning that does it, the fact that he’s talking to his band mates like he’s their creepy domineering lover, or the fact that it’s played 100 times between the end of Thanksgiving and the end of Christmas, but whatever the cause, everytime I hear the opening notes to this song I moan audibly, white knuckle the steering wheel, and die a little on the inside.
THE WORST SONGS ARE THE BEST SONGS TO RAGE TO
While we can’t make Christmas music any less terrible, we can give you the satisfaction of destroying something while the Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs destroy your holiday spirit. Book a session at Time to Rage and let it all out!
TELL US ABOUT IT
What makes your Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs list?